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Health & Fitness

Facing Facebook

Pre-Teens, Teens and Facebook--What is really going on and what to do about it.

Parents, there are some things we need to face about Facebook.  Don't get me wrong, I love it (or should I say "like?") and use it often. Our children use it too--constantly--but how and for what? As a teacher and parent I have occasion to read what teens are posting, and as hip as I am (LOL) I cannot tell you how often I am shocked. We have certain images of our children and their friends, and cling to those for dear life.  But who they are in the cyber world vs. the real one can be surprisingly dissimilar and disturbing.

First things first. Your child's Facebook friends do not equal their real friends. Yes, some do overlap, but not the majority. How many of your child's 500 (or 100) FB friends would you recognize, know where they live, or have over for dinner? The number of friends one has on FB, at least for young people, equals status, so they are much more likely to confirm than to block someone who wants to be one. We monitor who they socialize with in the real world opting for good influence and matching priorities, but are we doing the same with their cyber social network? I have asked students to tell me about randomly selected friends from their FB list--and they way too often don't know who the friends are! Or they vaguely remember the name from something or someone...

Which brings me to my next point. Facebook does not bring out the best in teens. It offers an interesting mix of anonymity and notoriety. They can become who they want with a shored up bravado provided by being able to post without facing anyone, and say what they want without having to do it out loud. And they want the comments and likes and threads to grow, so the more provocative the post the better.  I have seen a poem written by the sweetest, nicest A student that mourned the death of a particular body part that is used to prove virginity. (The rhyming was clever at least.) I can tell you who is grounded and just when their parents will be gone so their friends are free to sneak over. I could have commented on where to get rid of empty vodka bottles so a junior high school student's parents won't find out what went on under their noses. And I could tell you which girls are experimenting with other girls, and who is the latest to be targeted for teasing and ostracizing. Why can I so easily know all these things about other people's children? Way, way, TMI! Now, some teens will tell you that their "friends" are joking, making things up, that no one believes everything they read...with all their FB friends and friends of friends of friends etc. how do they know who is reading and believing what?

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I do know a number of parents who are FB friends with their children, to monitor what their child is posting. That is a good first step, but not nearly enough. Yes, your child might be more careful about what she posts herself knowing you are watching, but what about her "friends?"

The only way to know what things your child is exposed to on Facebook is to read the postings while signed in to her account. I can't imagine a teen who wouldn't balk at that request. It can certainly feel invasive to them, like reading their texts. (I'll save that for another time.) But here's the rub. If what their friends post is so private, why is it accessible to everyone virtually forever? You may have heard the vague warnings about colleges and potential employers searching for photos and postings to give insight into who they are considering. Your child may not have posted a compromising photo she didn't want you to see, but she can't prevent someone else from "tagging" it with your child's name. My niece was recently tagged in a friend's photo where three of them were giving the camera the finger. She was horrified when I told her I saw it, and asked her friend to remove this "joke" picture. Not the worst thing, of course, but should it define what strangers think of this sweet, smart, beautiful teen?

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Our children are doing things we wouldn't want them to do, surely. Didn't we? Our children are posting about things we'd never expect--that in fact may shock us--which may or may not be true. Shouldn't we know and have a say about that? Shouldn't we protect them from cyber evils as diligently as physical ones? Shouldn't our judgment about who they can hang around with or date be influenced by what potential real world friends consider important or "favorite?" If a boy's FB profile shows he's into NORML, Bob Marley, and the movie Reefer Madness should I assume it's all a joke? Or steer my daughter towards someone with a profile celebrating John Stewart, Glee and House? Hmmm...let me get back to you on that one!

Please don't lull yourself into thinking--"Not my child!" The fact is, while still a child, the decisions made can be childish. That's what they need us for. Think of the power of peer pressure and the desire to belong that is so strong in teens and pre-teens. We certainly know of many childish decisions made by adults in our lives (not ourselves, of course :-)). Why would we think our children are immune? The cyber world is endless, scary, and with us to stay. Technology and cyber connections rule our children's lives. Let's help them figure out how to use all its powers for good. And we can't do that if we don't know what they are reading and posting or who their "friends" are. "Like" if you agree! :-)

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